Are real. I had feelings and thoughts all the time and I wonder why? Or how is that possible. And then I have the moments that I dreamt about or saw in my mind and I know that they were not just dreams or thoughts but premonitions.
I have been having one for a long time that I knew meant trouble was coming. When I sat on the ground crying being questioned about my illness I knew this was the thought and feeling I had continuously been having. It was a sad moment that I have chosen not to talk about as it was a moment I had been dreading for a long time. I knew it was coming and knew it was going to happen I just never knew when it would happen.
This episode I speak of occurred due to many years of harbored anger and sadness. I spent the last five months purging the toxins of past traumas I never shared or spoke of. I spent the last five months crying everyday because I was sad and angry at those traumas I had to face. I was more sad for the people who I had to confront about the abuse I endured at their hands. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never wanted to make anyone angry I just needed to let it go. I needed those people to know they hurt me and It has affected me my entire life since the episode or incident occurred. I have tried to move on an be happy and forget about it but those traumas come back. They pop up like nasty little blisters. They fester in your soul and your heart and your mind until you blow up. And that is what I did. I blew the fuck up. And I blew the fuck up on those who deserved it.
Why do they deserve happiness when they should have had their lives ruined as mine was for so many years? Why are they allowed to play the victim now that we are twenty years since they traumatized and hurt me? It is those questions and more I ask myself in my deepest and darkest despair. I cry and sulk and I pick myself up off the ground and I keep going. Because that is what I do. I keep going.
It does not matter that they never knew until now because I can not control what occurred or their response to my rant and irresponsible rage messages on Facebook.
That is what I am sad about these days but I have to move on and get over it. I did not ask for the torture an abuse I endured my entire life by random friends, lovers, family or strangers but I can change my reaction to them and my responses. I tried to handle it in a responsible way but how that did not work.
That is what I am sad about these days but I have to move on and get over it. I did not ask for the torture and abuse I endured my entire life by random friends, lovers, family or strangers but I can change my reaction to them and my responses. That is what I am working on these days. Reaction and responses to those who I want to rip apart with my words and temper. For my words can be oh so dangerous and split you to the core and that is not the Sarah I want to be anymore. I want to be the Sarah who always smiles and is happy and loving life despite my disabled body.
I also have goals and aspirations and things to look forward to now. I did not have that this year at all. I spent the whole year trying to smile and not kill myself. We made it to November and I have not had a suicide attempt since January, almost a year! My depression is healing and my mood stabilizing. My heart is filled with the thoughts of a handsome man and the beauty of La Jolla, California calling me back.
Life did not stop for my failing body but it did give me the time I needed to heal the broken pieces. If I have made this much progress on my own I am so excited what the next year will bring with the right people in my life. Despite needing a wheelchair now I am eating food and starting to have a better quality of life. I am blessed and fortunate to take it day by day and rest as needed
Those premonitions I had are gone now and my heart is clearer than it has ever been. I hope that only good fortune finds me on my journey to healing my own body.
Sarah Anne
