It has been a long year of ups and downs, treatments and hospitals and so much imaging I think we know every bone, joint and organ that is inflamed, enlarged or containing a mass. We know every surgery that needs to take place, but cant. We know every new joint that has to be braced to the point I have a brace for every joint, bone and hinging part of my body that could be braced.
I also have a wheelchair prescription, a walker prescription and a cane prescription. I need a hearing aide and Medicaid to pay for all of this.
I sit at home and come up with ideas and ways to entertain myself. I make my own cannabis oil products infused with lavender. I smoke weed. I vape. I use my thc tincture and my thc oils and concoctions. I have it all. I swallow about 30 pills a day now mostly supplements and healing herbal treatments. I wait for disability to send me letters or DES to send me letters. I have more than two doctors appointment on average each week. Most days I can not get out of bed for about an hour after I wake up due to my vision and balance being blurry and non existent.
I still send out my resume in hopes that one day I will miraculously wake up and be healed and then I can et a job and get back to life. I toy with the emotions of being 37 and full disabled and not being able to even walk on most days yet I have this desire inside of me to get a job. I know and I understand that part of me is on hold for a long while. A long while because I am fighting to stay alive. But my brain, my brain thinks it is healthy and normal and keep pushing me to want to work. But my body, my body reminds me that I cant even leave the house most days.
Its a viscous mind game I play. It makes me sad, fearful and lost most days and others I feel happy and loved and at peace. There is no consistency and no stability in my life. The only constant I have in my life is knowing that I will wake up with a new body and new mind everyday and I can not even control which one will pop up I just have to be prepared not to dig myself into any holes and not scream and yell.
I appreciate you being a part of my journey and sharing my story. There is no rhyme or reason to what is happening to me and why. So I just write and share what I am up to. It makes me have something to look forward to!
Thursday I have a chest MRI to look further at my lungs, chest wall, ribs and aorta as the radiologist is seeing abnormalities on my x-rays. Please keep me in your thoughts as we rule out bad things once again. I keep dodging the bullet over here. I wanna keep doing that! Thank you.