I am still waiting on my new letter from Social Security and Disability. Before we left for France, I had received a letter that stated my case was going into review for approval before a hearing. If they were able to approve my case without the hearing, I would be approved any time now. It has been over a month and I have not heard from my lawyer or received another letter from disability. I know the longer you do not hear from them the better. I have been waiting seven and a half years, going on eight years to be approved. If I had not gotten so sick so young I could have had more time to work full time but since I got sick so young I have to prove that this will not go away and that I will either stay this way or get worse.
Proving to people who do not know you or what you deal with day to day has been on ongoing life dilemma. My own family did not believe I was sick and certain family members said I was faking it. After my stroke I heard from none of those people. They all disappeared and never checked on me or even cared how I was doing. I will not name names because most of you if you have read my poem, Bipolar Crazy in my blogs will know who I am talking about.
Also, I have never had aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents even to have as support. It has always just been my mother and father. So, when those people judge and make comments I am really taken back as they do not know me or my situation and to make statements and claims on my behalf is just crazy and scary. That is why I started the blog. To call those people out and make sure the truth is out there and not what those crazy individuals say.
Proving to the world I am sick is not a priority anymore. I am learning to live with my illness and deal with it daily. Somedays are easy and I feel amazing. Other days, such as the next day of a good day, I could be feeling like I got hit by a bus. There is no rhyme or reason why I feel good one day and the other I feel awful. I live my life the same way every day and that is what I am learning to do now. Live my life despite the tiredness, the heaviness of my legs, my slow heart, the pain, the hunger, the sadness and depression, the numbness, tingles, I could keep going on and on but what is the point. We all know that I have a neurological condition that is slowly taking me down. Yet, I have not given up like I did in the past. Despite the horrendous things my own sister has done to me or my family or relatives, I just kept going. Alone and sick. Leaving behind a sister and a brother whom I no longer have relationships with. It is easier that way. No one doubting me, talking behind my back, calling me names and lying about me. You ever heard the "look in the mirror" saying. That is what they all need to do. I am not the only one in our family who suffers from mental illness and it will get worse as other people get older and then their true identities will be revealed. Their lies will become truth and their demons will have to be faced head on. I already was there. I came out better and stronger. Other people, will not.
People, life, and disability will not wear me down. You will not break me. For one day, I will be approved, and you will have to backpay me for seven and a half years of misery and torture I was put through. My family who is no longer family can watch as I live out my life happy, traveling the world with my love, smiling and enjoying shopping and vacations and just being me. The medicine and pain protocols and injections all get me there and keep me here. It is not easy but at least I have help and medicine this time around.
It no longer matters that this illness left me poor, homeless, suicidal at times and lost. What matters is that I found myself after years of searching, in a place of love, happiness, support from my parents and fiancé and that is those are the best things that having to wait for disability to be approved led me to.
Today, I will keep going like every day. Waiting for that approval letter and huge check but not letting it be my life. My life is Matt and our animals, yoga and swimming, a little catering here and there and enjoying finally being free from all the negatives and hurt and people who doubted me.