It has been a while since I posted a blog. Life had been taking some turns that have ups and downs and I lost my passion for life and my depression began to take over. I lost my passion to get out of the house, I lost my passion to live Or go anywhere. I just wanted to hide in the house and be with Matt. I got so overwhelmed with the positive changes in my life all I kept waiting for was the dominos to start falling one at a time and for my life to move back into the chaos state it has been. But those dominos did not fall. The medications were upped and I had to force myself to start living. Part of that living was planning a trip to France with Matt. I had been depressed about going to France. Paranoid of the repercussions of leaving the country with a failing body and a weak one at that. France was so far away and planes had never been an option since I got sick. But in order to overcome the depression, the scary factors of traveling and going on a lengthy trip overseas started to subside and as we got closer to our trip I began to want to live life.
Depression makes everything harder and no matter how hard I want to come out of the depression and get back to the gym, laying out and swimming, hiking, playing with the animals, making dinner for Matt or just going for a walk, I am unable to. This time I had to ask for help again. I went to my therapist and we changed my meds to a higher dose and I was given some helpful tools to help with the harder days. It was so bad I did not even want to write. I love my blog and I am so proud of it but I literally felt like if I opened up the site to Write, it would take everything out of me.
I hurt physically and all I wanted to do was just lay down and stay covered up on the couch in the house. I even avoided the garden outside for a little while, watering it but not enjoying the beauty of my creations. The garden I created. I looked at it and would just see money spent or time wasted on gardening. I wasnt happy with the way it looked and I made excuses for not doing yoga outside in my garden. I made no time for physical therapy and I just let myself go and sink into a hole. No matter how beautiful my garden is it couldn't get me out of the depression I was suffering from.
I was fearful I would have to cancel going to France with Matt if I could not get it under control. What set it off this time must have been all the positive changes in my life. I am not used to good moments and happiness everyday and that is what I have been experiencing. I even have better Doctors and am on efficient medications for the first time and with that I was ready to get out and enjoy the warm weather and the pool and hike. But something inside me kept me from the desires I so longed for. My body tired and achey had me fooled I was not feeling well for the past few months when all I really needed was to force myself to live. To just go on a damn walk.
My bipolar depression has been at its best and most controlled status ever in my life. It’s the clinical depression and PTSD depression that I am learning to handle and maneuver through day to day. My pain levels are decreasing as well. My physical pain is bearable and tolerable with less narcotic pain meds than before. My pancreas and liver pain are tolerable and when they aren’t I have all the tools and comforts of medications at home so I can rest safely at home under the care of Matt or my parents. I am no longer afraid to be alone due to my past suicide attempts and I no longer think about suicide as I did before. I have what is called suicide ideation and the meds have been assisting with my brain and the thoughts that come to my mind. I lived most of my life thinking about suicide daily. I never spoke about this until now as it is a scary subject for many people to read about Or hear about if they do not know the person directly. The best part of my medication regiment is I no longer have those thoughts and they do not haunt me daily so I can focus on getting back to life and doing the things I love. Which is why I was able to finally write a blog about why I was lost in the world somewhere.
If you ever feel the need to reach out for answers to questions you have please do. I am an open book. With therapy, medications and good people in my life I am getting back to wanting to live everyday to its fullest. Even with this neurological mess of a body.
I am updating and writing my new blogs happily from France on a train back to Paris from the French Riviera. I keep saying “Dreams Do Come True” because never would I have imagined I could make this trip. The day we left I still did not know how I would hold up. The miserable moments are all wiped clear and made better when I saw Paris for the first time, The French Riviera and tasted the best wine France has to offer.
I appreciate you reading my blogs and allowing me to share my journey and my moments of happiness and sadness with you. This has also been a goal of mine to have a website where I can share my life experiences, trials and wins with others who may be dealing with their own battles.
Depression does not have to ruin your life, just maybe a few days every now and then. But in that despair and sadness remember to just let your body rest and take care of yourself. Ask for help And do not be afraid to change or add meds to your regiment. They have changed my life.
Have a good day and stay happy!