Updated: Jul 9, 2019
It’s been a great day!! I got a call from the WWE Doctor at Barrows Neurosurgery!!! I sent him a message on Instagram with a link to my blog to read about my case and he read the message and went beyond what I ever believed any doctor would do and he looked up my MRI and my Records and he had his Nurse reach out to me!!! THE WWE Doctor!!!!!!!! Doctor Juan Uribe who Nikki Bella talks about all the time. I saw him on the show and thought I had nothing to lose.
The good news is the MRI in May shows that I can manage my neck with pain management like we have been doing. He is still going to review the new MRI that was just done that showed the stenosis and bone spur and disks have actually all gotten a little worse. He literally will re-review my MRI.
This man is not getting paid for my care. He is a Man I messaged on instagram hoping for someone to just care. I trust this Doctor since I have seen his work on national television and he would not ever lie or steer you wrong from what I have seen. If he says my neck is ok to manage with pain management this girl can start riding horses again!!!!!!!
I also had one of the best days of my new life! I attended my first Aryuveda Class!!! I am hooked. I do not know why I was so against it years ago. I am so hooked I am going to consult with the Doctor who is in town for the weekend and the woman running the course today is going to take me on as well. She will scribe my entire appointment for me tomorrow so we will have it all written down my protocol and how to heal my mind so my body can heal. My medical team has been relentless fighting for answers and getting me into a place where I could live and function again. I never thought it would ever happen but Matthew Woods came back into my life and its like my cure was found. Love, his love, his good love, was my cure and what I needed to find happiness again.
I have spent so many years crying and sad because of the deterioration of my body so quickly. I had to come to terms with that fact that I am fully disabled at 37 years old. My career was stolen from me. My life turned upside down. I had worked so hard to build back up from the last time I was sick. I kept getting hope from 2011 to 2018 that I would get better but all I did was get worse. The stress added on. The weight fell off. The organs died. My mental health went on a vacation to hell. I mean the list goes on and on. My horses died. The horse I was buying was sold to me injured and cost me more money than I had so I had to give him back to the shitty owner he came from. I got eaten alive on facebook by the horse community and lost all hope and faith about horses. I lost the one thing I loved so much because of cruel horse people. I tried to open back up and make new friends only for them to be the same way. Then I meet two more people who I think will help me get back into dressage... and no. I am so tired of just being beat down all the time. My family. My coworkers. The doctors. All I wanted to do was work and have a life that I loved and it was taken away from me because of a mystery genetic illness that no one believed I had. Now the damage is done. The amounts of copious medications swallowed and the hope that I live to wake up to tomorrow is the reality I face every night I go to to bed.
I would have been fine on my own. But I would have been homeless begging for help and fighting for a place to live. Matt came along and saved my life. He gave me hope. Today I attended my first class of yoga teacher training.. for the THIRD time! And I was so happy to be back in my element.
I really want to be a Doctor. That’s what I wanted to do when I lost my career. It was what I wanted to do when I was a kid. It was what I wanted to do when I was in college. It is still what I want to do. I thought that dream was dead. Was gone. But its not. It really isnt.
We move into our new house next week and I can start over again with the Love of my LIfe in the only place in the entire world I felt at home. The Arizona Grand. It’s the only place I felt safe. I felt happy. And next Wednesday we get the keys to our beautiful new home right there in the Old Pointe South Mountain neighborhood amongst the gorgeous mountains, the hiking trails, the pools and our little family. I am so exited for cook outs and night hikes and kisses under the stars. Picnics on the grass and dogs running through the golf course at night! I cant wait to see Wiley our Coyote we watched grow up. The one Zeus will take off running with because well its their thing. He even would follow us home and cry for Zeus. He’s a loner coyote but he’s been a part of our family since I lived there when we first met him as a pup.
My home. My heart. My love is with Matt and our little four legged creature family. I love that he lets me be me. The free spirited gypsy witch. The girl who loves wine and hot chocolate before bed. The woman who kisses him and tells him I am so proud of him. The lady who just wants him to sweep her off her feet. The woman who loves a man. A good man. A strong man. A humble man.
You can call a man a man but until they really truly know how to treat a woman and be a gentleman they aren’t really a man. Being a man is supporting and loving and protecting your woman. And right now, he has protected me from some pretty evil stuff. And because of that protection, I had the best day today. I am smiling. I am happy. And I am so ready to move into our first home. My first home. I planned on buying a house this year or next year but I never planned on a hot guy living there. I had hopes there would be one.. but I was like.. no it ain’t happening. But guess what. I went through hell and back and I found my way to the best thing that ever happened to me. The reason I am alive. The reason I fight to stay alive. I love this man more than anyone could ever love another human.
It’s been a good day. I pray and know in my heart there are more to come. It wont always be sunny and roses but when you have a man who protects you, is loyal and loves you it makes you be that better person. It makes you be the woman that he deserves to have. An equal partnership. Respect. Love. And Hope.
And who else is going to watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey and yell at Theresa with me!!!!! Gosh that was funny! He sure was getting into it.. love you babe! So glad we both think Theresa is delusional!!
IT HAS BEEN ROUGH. Do not get me wrong. If it was not for my father paying cash for my doctors over the years I wouldn’t be here. I am so excited to be able to start paying him back and giving him some home updating money! It will feel good. My dad deserves a nice long vacation with no one asking him for anything at all. Especially me. I hate that I have to rely on everyone else right now, but this is what happens when you become disabled. You need people to help you survive. You can pay them back when the money comes which is always nice but getting people to help you is like asking them for their first born child. It’s not easy. I have been homeless and would still be homeless if it wasn’t for Matt. I lost everything I owned except for about one room of things. I gave almost all my clothes away, which felt amazing. I get to buy new clothes and redo my wardrobe of NON WORK CLOTHES!!! What what!!! I am so thankful for the people and the friends who donated to my Go Fund Me. It was awful to have to ask for money from friends but until my disbality case is approved, I have nothing. Nothing at all. And some people who are no longer in my life enjoyed that. They fed off of it and they felt the need to abuse me because of it.
It is no secret I have been working on my mental health and good for me. I can say those other people, who are no longer apart of my life should probably have done the same thing and still need to do the same thing. But they dont. They just like to blame me and talk badly about me and try to bring me down. Well, I do not have to put up with it ever again. I have protection and I have resources. Abuse will never be tolerated towards me ever again. I have endured abuse my entire life and from now on out there will be no more.
And just like that, she smiled again against the pain and the sorrow.
I knew it would be the hardest thing I ever did to let it all go and live out on the shore in California, homeless out of the expedition, Sarahs take on camping. But I call it what it was.. I was homeless. And just hit rock bottom. But hitting rock bottom got me the best vacation I had ever had in my poor life. I had no money. No vehicle and no nothing but I ran. I ran away and never looked back. The further I got, the better I felt. THe better I felt the more I sang. The more I sang the happier I got. Yeah my mom still hates me because I stole her bingo money but she hated me before I was born. She hated me after I was born. My mother just hates me and everyone knows it.
Yesterday I left their house and I never have to go back ever again. I never have to be abused or harmed ever again. Yesterday the further I got away the more I cried the more I cried the less I hated my life. The burden of being shamed and made to look like a mentally ill person by someone who just hates me and has no love for me at all and wants people to think horrid lies is over. I never have to speak to that person, see that person or hear that person tell me to kill myself ever again. That person will never make the Maricopa police department believe that she is abused by her family when in fact she is the abuser. She has treated to kill me four time now and no one has taken this seriously. I talk about it against my wishes and I’d isnt want to say anything but I have been so beat down by my family and their lies and their fake stories about me that I just cant take it anymore. I am sad and I am tired and I just want to be happy. Ill never be happy if I dont leave now.
LIfe is so complicated but it doesnt have to be. The hurt and pain of the loss of my family will ease in time. The hopes of my sister actually including me for once will end and the thoughts of my parents being there when I get married will fade away. But what will never go away is the names they call me, the words they say to me, the anger they fester in my soul and heart and the words they force out of my mouth. That is not who I am. I am not that person anymore. I am doing so well but there are people who want me to fail and for now and the rest of my life I will never let them make me feel like a failure ever again. I did more than any of them ever did in their lives educationally, career and life wise. I have traveled the world, been to Super Bowl, partied with celebrities and athletes, I saved lives by busting my butt to raise money for Anquan Boldin’s hometown of Pahokee to give those kids a chance at life. I watched the difference I have made in the lives of so many. I raised over $5,000,0000 for charity. I had an NFL player steal $10,000 from me at Super Bowl in Dallas. I had clients just basically not pay me, steal all the money and go buy a dog instead of her chemo treatments. I mean the stories I could tell the things I could share but I have remained quiet and humble and sad.
Sad because people think its ok to lie. I never did drugs in my life until I smoked marijuana to save my life. I have been labeled a drug addict for using marijuana to save my life. I have been told to kill myself, just overdose and do it she would say. I mean the words, the things said I don’t deserve it just like she doesn’t deserve the things I say to her. But she knows she’s my trigger. She’s my really awful trigger and I cant avoid it at all. I just cant. No matter how much medication I am on or how much I try I just cant avoid telling her how I feel about her in raw, unkind, harsh words. But I am not tolerating the abuse and the lies and the evilness anymore. It’s done. It’s over. And I get to restart my life again.
I love all of you for letting me share my story. It’s been so incredible to be able to be free and open about my life. It truly is. I hope when you have lost all hope you remember my story. The girl who had the life and lost it all because of the abuse she endured her entire life allowed a genetic illness to kill her body. No more abuse hopefully means no more destruction. I have an amazing team in place thanks to my father and my boyfriend and next week I can start paying for my own treatments on my own again!!! It will be the best feeling in the world to have my own money again!!!
I hope you all have a great evening and take care of yourselves.
Your Beautifully Disabled Friend Sarah