Well it sure has been a wild ride for this girl. I ended last year in a semi decent place but ended up slipping into a deep depression and bipolar episodes followed closely behind. Every new trigger led to another trigger and those triggers led to my anger and words being abusive and hurtful to those that I love and care about the most. Which is what I do not ever understand about depression and mental illness. Why do we take out the people we care about the most? Maybe because our bad behavior never had consequences With those people And when it does we do not know how to react other than with anger and meanness. I kind of was just treated like a spoiled brat and handled with kid gloves so as not to explode my anger, my temper. My words. Oh how those words have destroyed every relationship with every person I loved and cared about. But I have changed that in 2019 and it has been the best feeling. I only yelled at one person and well, she deserved it.
Its those words that can come out of my mouth that scares me the most. The cruel outlandish desire to destroy another person sometimes just sneaks into my brain like a normal idea would. It shocks me each time I get mad and angry and I can only think of revenge. And the only revenge I know of is to write, say and spue hatred from my mouth all in the name of revenge. To make you hurt like you hurt me. But I don’t want to physically hurt anyone. I rarely want to verbally attack anyone but its as though my brain can not tell my fingers to stop writing Or tell my mouth to zip it. And this has been my biggest accomplishment since the stroke on August 2nd, 2018. The stroke and Parkinson’s medications I am on are helping my brain control my mouth. Thank god!
I watch housewives and all those other reality shows and see women lose their temper and behave as I do when I am angry and yet they are never held accountable for their actions. However, the shows this seasons shows them apologizing for their words and actions. So I thought it was time to start to apologize to those who I have harmed. The hardest part of the apology is that I do not feel as though I owe everyone one.
I want to apologize to mom and dad for being drug through the mud, the press and the whole world about my asshole family member who took them on national television and embarrassed all of us. And I want to say I am sorry I even agreed to go on that stupid show. What a spoiled bitch she was. And I won’t even get a wedding, but a small dinner party and hideaway location near our home on south mountain to save money on the fees! I’m the one who is sick and fighting to stay alive and I wont get a outlandish wedding like she did or expensive free honeymoon from Dr. Phil like that greedy little tart. That’s all she is, is greedy,., But what I get is love. True love! A man who wont cheat on me, lie to me, gamble or get addicted to porn. Like someone’s husband. I get a man who makes me laugh and smile. And happy.
Mom and dad, I want to say I am so sorry that your children have no manners or respect for you at times And that I did not step up more when everyting went to shit. I tried to but I just was so hurt and overwhelmed that I had to run away. And that is why I left for California. I know life has been hard and I could never imagine being in your position raising young children on your own without anyone helping you. I have had nothing but your help and I barely make it through. Thank you for finally believing me that I am sick And have been since I was a teenager. Thank you. That’s all I needed was your acceptance of my illness and your support emotionally and mentally. With that support I was able to fight harder to get my mental illness under control.
That was the missing link to me being able to cope and handle life with a Chronic Illness that is killing my body. Being on treatment and having a place to talk to and help me get better health care and access to programs for individuals like me, has changed my life. For the first time in my entire life and my entire time of being sick I have support and compassion. I just needead some gosh darn compassion and my friends and family and enemies were never leaning towards compassion but towards not believing me and what was going on in my life. The fact my family members made it public that I was faking being sick and told this lie to whomever would listen was disgusting. It is the clearest form of abuse I endured over all these years. Through surgery after surgery, hospitalization and never getting better more and more people questioned me about being sick. It ruined me. My anger no longer tolerated any questions in relationship with my illness. I lost friends over their comments and behavior towards me. Those are the individuals who do not deserve an apology or any comment from me with their name in my breath. Those people have been dead and gone. Every single one of them. I mourned the loss of our friendship and I buried it down deep where it only comes out if provoked. I spent the last year burying relationships into the depths of my soul where no memories shall remain.
When I let go of relationships that were toxic, unattainable or just not good for my mental health, I opened up room for the the first real relationship to come into my life. The relationship of love, trust, honesty and respect. A friend first. A lover twenty years later. He asked me to Homecoming our Senior Year of high school in 1998 and now in 2019 he is going to ask me to be his wife. I have kept it quiet but we picked out the most gorgeous appropriate ring for him and I with the help of my longest and dearest NFL friend Scott Bohall owner of Treasure’s Jewelers In Glendale, Arizona.
I have known Scott since I planned the Bertrand Berry Celebrity Night with Bertrand’s beautiful and faithful wife Shellie. I treasured my relationship with the Bohall’s and made some amazing memories over the years And always joked around that I would someday bring the man I was going to marry into their store. I’d laugh and kind of deep down be sad thinking it would never happen. With my illness who would stick around? No one Ever did. My mental and emotionail well being were not ever stable and I had so many other things to worry about that my brain, love and happiness just didnt exist in my world.
Around Christmas Time, Matthew and I walked into The Bohall’s Jewelry Store and began to narrow down our rIng. I had three to choose from by the time we were done and none of them were diamonds. The feel and look of a diamond was just not desirable to me. The ring I chose however, has everything I love in life wrapped around a band. And the best part, the only man I have ever loved will be asking me to be his wife. Everyday I wake up smiling. Every night I go to bed smiling. All day long I smile. I smile because he is my everything. I prayed for him. I cried for him. I begged God to bring him to me. Every night. Every day. Every moment of pain and sadness I begged God to bring Matthew to me. He showed up when my mind was healing and my brain was able to let in love. Love for the first time in my entire life.
My life with Matthew is easy. Every day we have been together since December 4th. Well December 5th we did not have a sleepover but December 6th we did and I never left. He never left. And I never ran away. He has dealt with a few meltdowns medically related, a few tired related and a couple just because I get so damn sad that I am dying at 37. That my body is dying. And I want to live. I want to live everyday with Matt. Every moment with Matt. So we don’t want to wait. We dont have the luxury of time. And when you love someone, you know you love them. You know you cant live your life without them and they cant live their life without you. And for that, I am glad I had a mental breakdown last year. That mental lapse led me down a path of healing and help and love. A love that could be the most important treatment I have never tried.
My love and I have bought a home, well he says he bought me a home and he truly Did. How amazing is that. I have never had a home. My own home and he bought me one. That was my Valentines Day Present. We are raising two twin Baby kittens together and healing my body day by day. He has helped me through some very trying times and I helped him learn that he loves living at South Mountain in the Resort Area as much as I do.
To anyone reading this I hurt, Message me. We can have a conversation. But I wont apologize on a blog to mass quantities of people. I would love to talk about it and explain that I am very sorry for my actions and I hope that you are sorry for yours as well. And that is where we leave it. As I said. I have buried the relationships and sadness that bonded me to my anger far too long. I am enjoying being happy again.
I wish you all the best.
PS please excuse typos spelling errors I had a stroke August 2, 2018 and my brain is starting to come around.