Alive.

I sit here and write this braced up both wrists, both knees, the ankle, the back and the neck. I sit here writing this to you with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. And some good pinot noir! My mother and I spent the day together hashing out our relationship. I have endured so much this past year but the reason why is because I know time is precious. So precisou and I don't want to waste the short amount of time I have left. I will cry and vent and be heart broken and sad when the next episode occurs with her but I also think some changes I made today will help our battle and our fight and will help e have better days.


I made the tough decisions to get an easy part time job. I have no idea how I will do this or if I will even survive but I have al the tools I need now to go back to work two or three times a week for a few hours each day. I am doing nothing other than sitting and dwelling on how messed up this whole situation is. With a small job I will have money to go back nd forth from Maricopa to San Diego now. That is all I wanted was to be able to get out of here and go to Cali an snorkel and kayak and just be on the ocean. I will have the freedom to do that now without stressing my parents out.


Going back to today! I had a great day with my mother. We talked through our drama and hurt. We went and I had a glass of wine at the casino and my mom and I played the slot machines. We had lunch, we laughed and we jus enjoyed the day. We talked through the incident. We talked about the meanness and the anger and taking it out on me. We talked about my sister and her behavior. We talked about everything. And to make it easier on my family I decided to get a part time job.


So I sit here all braced up resting my joints and my bones and my sore and tired muscles but with a smile on my face. I am exited to start this job. More so I can have some financial freedom and I am able to go back and forth to California now as I please since I can pay for it! I am actually excited because three days a week for a few hours I will make enough money to cover my medical expenses and not have to rely on my mom and dad. Plus I have two years to kill until I see a disability judge. I am by no means in the best shape but this is an easy fun job around retirees who aren't going to care if I stutter or walk slow. They just are happy to have a place to eat and someone to take care of them.


For the first time I am smiling and happy and even when I am sad and depressed I am not reacting like I normally would. I am thankful I have had the support I need when I needed it to get me through. Also, I am so proud of myself for my strength and ability to just keep going even when everything just keeps going wrong. I can not explain it but nothing will keep me down. Not even my body being killed by my nervous system. I still wake up smiling and ready to live each day. So these braces and hours and hours of Pilates and yoga and strength training are keeping me going. I gladly wear them with pride.


These days a smile is back on my face and happiness in my heart. I am letting God lead the way and am taking the opportunities that come to me easily and out of nowhere. Every time I do this I am taken care of. So I took the easy option and accepted a job. Someone willing to work with me in my situation That is not a coincidence. This is divine intervention.





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It’s been four weeks between posts. I tried to write this blog over and over again but I just felt like I was letting all of you down. I am suffering and have been since surgery from nausea and vomiti