The day I thought I wouldn't survive. The day I couldn't ride horses.

But I didn't. Enjoy my reading. I am a writer. A passionate writer. I am sorry if I offend you. Also my words and sentences might be jumbled I apologize my brain does not work properly from the strokes I am suffering.


I thought I wouldn’t survive the day I couldn’t ride horses. I thought I would lay down and die or cry myself to death. But I didn't.


It was the day I dreaded my entire life. I knew it was coming.. but I guess I just had hoped for a miracle.


I mourned my loss of horses a long time ago. I mourned for my inability to ride for over six years now. Why? because I mentally prepared myself for the day I thought my life would be over. The day my world stopped turning. The day I was suddenly stopped from doing what I have known and loved my entire thirty eight years of my life. Riding horses.


I mourned the day I would no longer be able to experience the freedom you feel on the back of a horse.


I mourned the day I would no longer be able to guide a horse from his stall to pasture and watch him thank me with his beauty as he glides through the pasture with majesty and grace.


I mourned the loving touch of a horses muzzle against your face when you are crying and in pain and pouring your heart out. That moment. Reminding you that not all hope is lost if you just keep riding.


I mourned for a long time. I mourned everyday. But in those moments of sadness I had a horse to rebound my emotions back into non bipolar waters and into the threshold of happiness. The feeling of being loved by something other than myself.


Every day I can smell the barn. I can smell cowboy and avatar. I can remember the touches and love and moments watching them run in freedom and being a part of their story. Their life. Their presence.


That smell is why I mourned for so long. I never wanted to forget the smells. The sounds. The images. I never wanted to forget the equestrian in me who never gave up. She got back in the saddle and she rode whatever storm came her way. I was that way with horses and I was that way with life.


I cried so many times over the day I would not be able to ride horses that I just had to stop crying. I still do cry I cried today. But not over the fact I can not have a horse but the fact I simply can not even get on a horse. I cried because the world will never see my beautiful dressage patterns or my perfectly timed extended trots. I have never done a dressage test. That was my goal and desire. So many nevers but so many memories


I cried so many times over the day I would not be able to ride horses that I just had to stop crying. I still do cry I cried today. But not over the fact I can not have a horse but the fact I simply can not even get on a horse. I cried because the world will never see my beautiful dressage patterns or my perfectly timed extended trots. I have never done a dressage test. That was my goal and desire. So many Nevers but so many memories


Good loving memories.


I thought I wouldn’t survive the day I couldn’t ride horses. I thgout I would lay down and die or cry myself to death. But I didnt.


The day I couldnt ride horses anymore came and went just like an ordinary day. I shrugged my shoulders, I cried a little and I went back to yoga, Pilates and my website. I had mourned appropriately for me that now I am feeling the void and time with my other passions in life.


The sun still shined. The birds still chirped. The flies still bite. And my neurological system still sucks. But I survived the day I thought I wouldn’t.

Horses are more than flesh and bone and vet bills and poverty. They are God’s gift to humans to cherish and love. They are our angels put on this earth to give us a purpose and a passion.


Horses are majestic beasts that we should all feel so fortunate and blessed to have them in our lives.


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It’s been four weeks between posts. I tried to write this blog over and over again but I just felt like I was letting all of you down. I am suffering and have been since surgery from nausea and vomiti